Z

I remember you

When I was fourteen years old,
I was dating a young man of sixteen who
was six feet and two inches tall and
made me feel like I was gold -
the type of gold that sits in vaults
for years, still trying to glisten,
knowing it can be polished,
but left to gather dust and
lose value.

I was fourteen years old and
still trying to figure out what the
world wanted to do with me while
he was whispering what he would
like to do to me and saying that
if I really loved him,
I would.

I was fourteen years old when
I started to dig a graveyard in myself,
burying my worries and fears of what
was happening because I was certain
this was a part of growing up.

I was barely even a teenager the
first time I had sex because I had
told him I wanted to wait until
I was married and his words resounded,
“You’re going to end up with
somebody like me anyway,
so why put it off?” as his hand wrapped
around my ring finger like a vice.

I was fourteen years old when
I tried to run away for the first time
but the monster had broken
my hymen and crawled up to
live in my heart.

And I was fourteen years old
the first time a man slapped me
across the face because I told
him I didn’t want to have sex
and he told me to get over it because
it was just “a joke” when
all I knew was that the
punchline had been
his hand against my cheek.

I was fourteen years old,
and three years later,
I still flinch.

Jon, by k.p.k

(via towritepoems)

In the rankest of nights
In the darkening twilight
Kept awake by the let down
By the aftertaste

It makes me feel alone
When I’m alight in the dark
But it sure is nice to know
To think that somebody else is awake

Looking for trouble
And distraction
My hunger for the feed
Exceeds my complacency.

There is nothing
To wait for, to think about
I’m connected to some lead
Excuse my latency.

It takes me somewhere
But I’m still alone here
Craving some more
Colours galore

Not sure why I think
It exists
Or why I think at all
Exclude this tactility.

Lights, you have
My full attention
Make me see
In what is unimportant

Why would you pick a flower?
It’s a euphemised death.
To take its beauty for yourself
Is selfish.

For a flower lives to be beautiful
Some sole purpose short lived in the spring
An unconscious being soon to wither
And turn to dirt on your couch.

We find beauty in what we can’t understand,
And if we don’t understand it
What right do we have to abuse it?

And while the wind blows away the petals
and the leaves,
At least we know she’ll grow back again;
Not destined for some temporal fate
Suspended in glass.

Because flowers don’t belong
In vases or pedestals.
They are like us, born of the dirt,
And we like them will return someday—

This feels like an afternoon:
looking up at a sky with a promise of sun
And the promise of everything you wanted
They told you you’d think you want

What is real doesn’t quite match up
With what you think
But that’s okay. It’s only a headache of time wasted

Time that seems so slow but passes like the daylight in the evening
No plan of what to do in the next few hours
Nor the next few years

The ephemeral in between
That with motion you could distract yourself from
That keeps coming back
Or it never leaves at all

It’s lying in the daylight
On your side with one eye open
Not being sure of how you should feel
Or where you should be

I would never burn paper.
Rip pages out of books,
Because if it’s printed with ink
It’s a lot more certain than I will ever be.
And it must be right.

I sound like a follower. A believer.
But there’s nothing wrong with believing
In living fiction and fantasy.

Wrong is only when you expect
The people you newly meet
To be someone you’ve precisely cut
From a silhouette in a book
That was for your eyes only.

Distance makes us ashamed
To be who we really are

I’m not a traitor of these towers,
I just need to find middle ground
Where I can stand and reach at the same time.

Ours is a love
That will dry up with the banks
The water it flows
From some higher flanks

The love that is coloured
Blue blood of your greed
Tumble down the river
But it’s transparent to me

Stubborn and persistent
So deluded you’re right
Everything contrary
You’ll fix with a fight

Call it what you want
I know exactly what you are
Pay for blood upfront
I’m an investment out far

Strip it down
The human connection
To ten dollar bills
In the strap of affection

Say what you want
That there’s no other truth
And that one day I’ll see
That you own me.

I just can’t wait to be
everything you wanted of yourself

z

I remember days
stuck in your eye
glued to the table
wondering when
I’d be home with you

You seem like a dream
fade like a photograph
ghost I can see you
I’m losing my mind
I still hear gunfire lines

You bleed another shade
playing with chances
leave your choices
go join the band
they’ll march you into brightness

I saved your little things
they guarantee me that
unlike a bond I can’t return
everything you had been

oh you’re out of my arms now
and I can’t follow you into the ground
oh it’s out of my hands now
I’m His, she calls, he goes